Characteristics of a Great Poop

In no particular order:

1. It's totally solid.
2. It takes a little bit of time, effort, and/or discomfort but in the end feels totally worth it.
3. Your intestines feel empty afterwards.
4. Wiping takes minimal effort.
5. You can look at the end result with pride.
6. Afterwards, the sun shines a little brighter, your TV seems a little bigger, and people seem a little friendlier.

The Ocean

Once upon a time, there was a guy. Let's say his name was Harry. Actually pretty much all my characters in any of the stories I write are named Harry. Let's go with Greg this time. I like that better. Greg was a good guy. He pretty much had things going well for him. He had a job he enjoyed, along with a decent social life and good friends. Greg had one issue, though. He didn't know how to swim. It wasn't really his fault. He just never had any lessons growing up. He'd always had a bit of a desire to swim and experience what it felt like to be surrounded by the waves and vastness of the ocean, but he never really delved in or even went on a boat because his swimming skills weren't very good. Sometimes, his friends would start to pressure him into going into the ocean with him, but he always declined. He truly loved the water though. He could look at pictures of the ocean for hours upon hours. He dreamed of sailing through the Great Lakes. He longed to go white-water rafting in the Rockies. He watched swimming competitions on TV whenever he could. But he wouldn't go near the water. As time passed, he found that instead of just merely turning down his friends' offers to swim in the ocean with them, he wouldn't even go to the ocean anymore. He was afraid of going, seeing how close he physically was to the magnificence of the ocean, but how far away he was from being able to dive in himself. He was ashamed of his fear. At times it overwhelmed him and he felt trapped between his desire and his fear. He sometimes wished that there was no ocean. Life seemed so much better without it; then he could just enjoy his job and his friends and not have to be concerned about his lack of ability to swim. He thought about taking lessons once in awhile, but he had just had too many bad experiences and bad emotions associated with it to be able to follow through. He didn't want to attempt it and fail. He was afraid of succeeding too. He was afraid of how his life might change if he learned how to swim because he might have to give up some other things in order to pursue that passion. He just wanted the simpleness of life without the ocean.

But the ocean was still there. And it haunted him.

Jim Thacker Poophead

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Jen. Jen lived in a huge mansion on the Californian coast. Jen also likes cougars. She likes cougars so much, that two rooms of her mansion are dedicated to cougars and in fact contain live cougars. One day, one of the cougars escaped and ran down the coast to Los Angeles. There, the cougar found a job as an actor in a movie. In fact, he will actually play the role of Professor Snape in the next Harry Potter movie. Jen, however, was sad that the cougar had left, but was ecstatic when she saw him on Entertainment Tonight as they covered all the latest Harry Potter gossip. She drove down to LA and saw the cougar as he was leaving the set for the day. She yelled towards him, "Nathanial!" (for the cougar was named Nathanial). The cougar saw Jen, and leaped toward her and they enjoyed an emotional hug and cry session. And they lived happily ever after in the Warner Brothers movie lot.

Justin's Favorite Fairy Tale

Alright, so for some reason it's 4:30am and I'm still pretty awake. Unfortunately I just finished watching One Fine Day in its entirety and I'm kinda ashamed of myself for that one. So I think I need to regain some of my anti-chick-flick manliness, and this is the easiest way I know how to do that:

Once upon a time, there was a Princess that got kidnapped by this ugly dragon thing and the dragon took her to his castle and locked her up in one of the towers. The Princess called for help from her tower, but no one was able to rescue her, for the dragon was much too powerful. Finally, one day, along came a handsome Prince that kinda looked like George Clooney (or maybe even Jim Halpert). He knew how to defeat the dragon. He walked up to the castle and confronted the dragon with his flashy smile, knowing that no one can resist him in his scruffy handsomeness when he's dressed up wearing a tie, all while holding a baby and playing a guitar at the same time. He got his best accent ready, and said "God Bless--" right as the dragon bit his head off. Blood gushed everywhere. It was absolutely disgusting. So after that incident, the King decided that the situation was hopeless, and just nuked the castle, vaporizing both the dragon and the Princess. She was kinda whiny anyway. The end.

Ahh. Much better.

All About Eggs

[19:15] sweet: then pick a topic
[19:16] jbirdjavi: humpty dumpty
[19:16] sweet: ok
[19:16] sweet: he sat on a wall
[19:17] jbirdjavi: yeah?
[19:17] jbirdjavi: well i heard he fell
[19:17] sweet: oh no are u serious
[19:18] jbirdjavi: yeah
[19:18] jbirdjavi: dead serious
[19:18] sweet: not cool
[19:18] sweet: what happened?
[19:18] sweet: is he hurt?
[19:19] jbirdjavi: well the king's horses and the king's men came to the scene right away
[19:19] sweet: and?
[19:19] sweet: i didn't know we had a king
[19:19] jbirdjavi: me either
[19:19] jbirdjavi: maybe it was the president's horses and men
[19:20] jbirdjavi: well, either way, they couldn't put him back together again
[19:20] sweet: oh know
[19:20] sweet: was there a service for him?
[19:21] jbirdjavi: well i think after they failed, they brought him to an actual doctor that fixed him up again
[19:21] sweet: oh ok well that's good
[19:21] sweet: phew
[19:22] jbirdjavi: yeah well it was kinda scary when the horses were trying to put him together
[19:22] sweet: oh yeah?
[19:22] jbirdjavi: yeah, i think they did more harm than good
[19:22] sweet: how so
[19:23] jbirdjavi: well they were just kicking the pieces around
[19:23] sweet: oh i see yeah that doesn't work
[19:23] jbirdjavi: not so much

Jim

Jim was walking along the path when suddenly he noticed that an orange was sitting in the middle of the path in front of him. Jim stopped and stared at the orange. After a few minutes, the orange rolled slightly to the left and said in a loud voice, "YOU MAY PASS." Jim was slightly taken aback, as he had never before been told by an orange that he could pass. Jim took a step back and pondered what to do. After a few more minutes, Jim stepped forward, bent down, and picked up the orange. Since he happened to have an orange peeler in his back pocket, he took it out, peeled the orange, and ate it. Jim continued walking on the path until he got to his destination. Two days later, Jim realized that he had eaten a talking orange, which is a fairly unique phenomenon. Jim felt remorse. Two months later, Jim started the Talking Orange Relief Society, which was dedicated to the preservation and protection of talking oranges around the world. You, too, can help. Just jump on Facebook and join the Talking Orange Relief Society group. For every person that joins, Jim will donate three flip-flops to the needy oranges of Western Utah. You too, can save a talking orange.