Larry the Lizard
Yesterday I did a load of laundry. I realized recently that I've accumulated too many clothes and I can go a lot longer than I really want to without doing my laundry. Luckily I actually still do a load when my laundry basket fills up. I'm sure that soon enough I'll start getting lazy and just wait until I run out of clean clothes and the basket overflows onto the floor and then there will be dirty underwear on the floor which TOTALLY CONTAMINATES the floor and makes it UNCLEAN. And then the floor has to undergo this ritual of going out into the desert for seven days and then sacrificing two doves on an altar and something about a goat and it really just sucks. Mostly cause the floor is gone for a week and then I'm stuck with dirt for a floor for that week. Or if it rains a lot, mud. Which is always a good time for the cat. Not so good for me. Anyway, all that to say I did a load of laundry yesterday. Now the washer and dryer is out in our garage along with all the laundry necessities (detergent, bucket, etc.). And I always use the bucket to add in some Nature Bright (brought to you by the wonderful people at Shaklee). So I picked up the bucket and poured in some Nature Bright (which is a white powdery substance) and as soon as some of it hit the bottom of the bucket, I realized there was a lizard in the bucket, which was a relatively new concept for me since lizards don't usually help me out with my laundry. I quickly decided that I didn't really need any help from the lizard after all and instead I would help the lizard move to what I decided would be a much better habitat for it. So I took the bucket outside and gave it a nice big heave without actually letting go of the bucket and the lizard went flying out into the yard. The following is that lizard's story...
On a beautiful Saturday morning, Larry the Lizard was peacefully sleeping in his new home, the Blue Bucket. However, at about 11am, Larry was suddenly awakened by a door opening and a male voice that was singing Barbie Girl quite loudly and off-key. Suddenly above him he saw what appeared to be the source of the horrible singing, a nerd. Not only was this nerd annoying because of the singing, but then he started pouring cocaine into the Blue Bucket. Larry was quite taken aback by this development, since had no intention of getting drugged and being tortured again as he had been back in his days in Nam. So Larry tried to avoid inhaling the cocaine for as long as possible, but he just couldn't hold his breath that long and he ended up inhaling some of it. Which actually turned out to be a good thing in the end, for the nerd soon realized that Larry was in the bottom of the Blue Bucket, so the nerd took the Blue Bucket outside and flung Larry far off into the yard. By this time, though, Larry had been relaxed by the drugs and hit the ground in a relaxed state, which is the best way to hit the ground to avoid injury. So Larry found himself in the grass, drugged and fairly incoherent. Not much time passed before an ant came by and realized that the lizard wasn't his usual self, so the ant decided to have some fun. He went and got some of his ant buddies and they carried Larry over to the neighbor's yard into the zone of the neighbor's dog Stephanie. The ants then quickly retreated to beyond the reach of Stephanie's chain. Soon Stephanie came by and saw the helpless lizard. Stephanie was filled with compassion for Larry and took care of him until the drugs wore off. Larry and Stephanie quickly fell in love and they got married about a month later and lived happily ever after.
Wow... That's definitely not how I usually end my stories... Hmmm... Definitely missing the glorious Death By Falling Anvil that has become tradition in my stories. I gotta say, I'm kinda disappointed and somewhat distraught... Maybe something is wrong with me... Or maybe I'm just not quite finished with the story...
And then after "ever after," which was about two weeks, a giant anvil fell out of the sky and crushed Larry while he was in the process of building an entertainment center for Stephanie. The end.
Much better.
On a beautiful Saturday morning, Larry the Lizard was peacefully sleeping in his new home, the Blue Bucket. However, at about 11am, Larry was suddenly awakened by a door opening and a male voice that was singing Barbie Girl quite loudly and off-key. Suddenly above him he saw what appeared to be the source of the horrible singing, a nerd. Not only was this nerd annoying because of the singing, but then he started pouring cocaine into the Blue Bucket. Larry was quite taken aback by this development, since had no intention of getting drugged and being tortured again as he had been back in his days in Nam. So Larry tried to avoid inhaling the cocaine for as long as possible, but he just couldn't hold his breath that long and he ended up inhaling some of it. Which actually turned out to be a good thing in the end, for the nerd soon realized that Larry was in the bottom of the Blue Bucket, so the nerd took the Blue Bucket outside and flung Larry far off into the yard. By this time, though, Larry had been relaxed by the drugs and hit the ground in a relaxed state, which is the best way to hit the ground to avoid injury. So Larry found himself in the grass, drugged and fairly incoherent. Not much time passed before an ant came by and realized that the lizard wasn't his usual self, so the ant decided to have some fun. He went and got some of his ant buddies and they carried Larry over to the neighbor's yard into the zone of the neighbor's dog Stephanie. The ants then quickly retreated to beyond the reach of Stephanie's chain. Soon Stephanie came by and saw the helpless lizard. Stephanie was filled with compassion for Larry and took care of him until the drugs wore off. Larry and Stephanie quickly fell in love and they got married about a month later and lived happily ever after.
Wow... That's definitely not how I usually end my stories... Hmmm... Definitely missing the glorious Death By Falling Anvil that has become tradition in my stories. I gotta say, I'm kinda disappointed and somewhat distraught... Maybe something is wrong with me... Or maybe I'm just not quite finished with the story...
And then after "ever after," which was about two weeks, a giant anvil fell out of the sky and crushed Larry while he was in the process of building an entertainment center for Stephanie. The end.
Much better.
posted by jbirdjavi at 9:20 PM
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