To Be Alone

Well, it's been way too long and I really should have written something before now, but I didn't. And the problem with writing something now is that I don't particularly feel like writing the way I normally do. So I decided not to. I decided to write about how I feel.

I feel alone.

So I moved back to Wisconsin, and I was dreading it before I left, but I didn't think it would be this bad. I kept saying to people, "yeah, I don't really want to go, but it'll be good." And maybe in the end it will be, but dang if it isn't a struggle to get back to good.

Anyway, I just feel lonely almost all the time. And this is kinda weird for me, because typically I love my alone time. If I get too much time with people, I usually start to crave some time to be alone. But I think there's an exception here... I can't deal with forced aloneness. I like being alone, but not when I have to be. I want to have a choice. And most of the time right now, I don't have that choice.

But I think it goes beyond that somewhat. Because even when I'm with people I feel alone. I mean, I like hanging out with my friends here in Wisconsin, but something doesn't seem right. It's like these aren't the right people. I miss Orlando and the people there, and I want to hang out with them.

But then I talk to my Orlando friends online or on the phone, and it just doesn't seem to cut it. Something still seems lacking. Like either the conversation is too short, or worse, I don't feel cared about, or I feel like I've been forgotten.

And with certain people, I know that's not really true. Others I'm not sure about. Nonetheless, in the end, I still feel alone.

I hope that this time is not without purpose. That God is teaching me something that I need to learn. Maybe it's something to do with how He shows interest in me all the time and how I fail to show interest in Him all too often. Or maybe that He is to be my comfort and I shouldn't have to feel alone because He is all I need. But then again, I don't believe I can live without others either...

And then again, maybe I just need to grieve.

To Orlando and the people there, I miss you...