J-Bird's Rant of the Week

The Ocean

2010-05-17T22:12:00.001-05:00

Once upon a time, there was a guy. Let's say his name was Harry. Actually pretty much all my characters in any of the stories I write are named Harry. Let's go with Greg this time. I like that better. Greg was a good guy. He pretty much had things going well for him. He had a job he enjoyed, along with a decent social life and good friends. Greg had one issue, though. He didn't know how to swim. It wasn't really his fault. He just never had any lessons growing up. He'd always had a bit of a desire to swim and experience what it felt like to be surrounded by the waves and vastness of the ocean, but he never really delved in or even went on a boat because his swimming skills weren't very good. Sometimes, his friends would start to pressure him into going into the ocean with him, but he always declined. He truly loved the water though. He could look at pictures of the ocean for hours upon hours. He dreamed of sailing through the Great Lakes. He longed to go white-water rafting in the Rockies. He watched swimming competitions on TV whenever he could. But he wouldn't go near the water. As time passed, he found that instead of just merely turning down his friends' offers to swim in the ocean with them, he wouldn't even go to the ocean anymore. He was afraid of going, seeing how close he physically was to the magnificence of the ocean, but how far away he was from being able to dive in himself. He was ashamed of his fear. At times it overwhelmed him and he felt trapped between his desire and his fear. He sometimes wished that there was no ocean. Life seemed so much better without it; then he could just enjoy his job and his friends and not have to be concerned about his lack of ability to swim. He thought about taking lessons once in awhile, but he had just had too many bad experiences and bad emotions associated with it to be able to follow through. He didn't want to attempt it and fail. He was afraid of succeeding too. He was afraid of how his life might change if he learned how to swim because he might have to give up some other things in order to pursue that passion. He just wanted the simpleness of life without the ocean.

But the ocean was still there. And it haunted him.

Jim Thacker Poophead

2009-07-16T00:55:00.002-05:00

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Jen. Jen lived in a huge mansion on the Californian coast. Jen also likes cougars. She likes cougars so much, that two rooms of her mansion are dedicated to cougars and in fact contain live cougars. One day, one of the cougars escaped and ran down the coast to Los Angeles. There, the cougar found a job as an actor in a movie. In fact, he will actually play the role of Professor Snape in the next Harry Potter movie. Jen, however, was sad that the cougar had left, but was ecstatic when she saw him on Entertainment Tonight as they covered all the latest Harry Potter gossip. She drove down to LA and saw the cougar as he was leaving the set for the day. She yelled towards him, "Nathanial!" (for the cougar was named Nathanial). The cougar saw Jen, and leaped toward her and they enjoyed an emotional hug and cry session. And they lived happily ever after in the Warner Brothers movie lot.

Justin's Favorite Fairy Tale

2007-12-20T05:27:00.000-05:00

Alright, so for some reason it's 4:30am and I'm still pretty awake. Unfortunately I just finished watching One Fine Day in its entirety and I'm kinda ashamed of myself for that one. So I think I need to regain some of my anti-chick-flick manliness, and this is the easiest way I know how to do that:

Once upon a time, there was a Princess that got kidnapped by this ugly dragon thing and the dragon took her to his castle and locked her up in one of the towers. The Princess called for help from her tower, but no one was able to rescue her, for the dragon was much too powerful. Finally, one day, along came a handsome Prince that kinda looked like George Clooney (or maybe even Jim Halpert). He knew how to defeat the dragon. He walked up to the castle and confronted the dragon with his flashy smile, knowing that no one can resist him in his scruffy handsomeness when he's dressed up wearing a tie, all while holding a baby and playing a guitar at the same time. He got his best accent ready, and said "God Bless--" right as the dragon bit his head off. Blood gushed everywhere. It was absolutely disgusting. So after that incident, the King decided that the situation was hopeless, and just nuked the castle, vaporizing both the dragon and the Princess. She was kinda whiny anyway. The end.

Ahh. Much better.

All About Eggs

2007-12-06T19:28:00.001-05:00

[19:15] sweet: then pick a topic
[19:16] jbirdjavi: humpty dumpty
[19:16] sweet: ok
[19:16] sweet: he sat on a wall
[19:17] jbirdjavi: yeah?
[19:17] jbirdjavi: well i heard he fell
[19:17] sweet: oh no are u serious
[19:18] jbirdjavi: yeah
[19:18] jbirdjavi: dead serious
[19:18] sweet: not cool
[19:18] sweet: what happened?
[19:18] sweet: is he hurt?
[19:19] jbirdjavi: well the king's horses and the king's men came to the scene right away
[19:19] sweet: and?
[19:19] sweet: i didn't know we had a king
[19:19] jbirdjavi: me either
[19:19] jbirdjavi: maybe it was the president's horses and men
[19:20] jbirdjavi: well, either way, they couldn't put him back together again
[19:20] sweet: oh know
[19:20] sweet: was there a service for him?
[19:21] jbirdjavi: well i think after they failed, they brought him to an actual doctor that fixed him up again
[19:21] sweet: oh ok well that's good
[19:21] sweet: phew
[19:22] jbirdjavi: yeah well it was kinda scary when the horses were trying to put him together
[19:22] sweet: oh yeah?
[19:22] jbirdjavi: yeah, i think they did more harm than good
[19:22] sweet: how so
[19:23] jbirdjavi: well they were just kicking the pieces around
[19:23] sweet: oh i see yeah that doesn't work
[19:23] jbirdjavi: not so much

Jim

2007-07-18T02:14:00.001-05:00

Jim was walking along the path when suddenly he noticed that an orange was sitting in the middle of the path in front of him. Jim stopped and stared at the orange. After a few minutes, the orange rolled slightly to the left and said in a loud voice, "YOU MAY PASS." Jim was slightly taken aback, as he had never before been told by an orange that he could pass. Jim took a step back and pondered what to do. After a few more minutes, Jim stepped forward, bent down, and picked up the orange. Since he happened to have an orange peeler in his back pocket, he took it out, peeled the orange, and ate it. Jim continued walking on the path until he got to his destination. Two days later, Jim realized that he had eaten a talking orange, which is a fairly unique phenomenon. Jim felt remorse. Two months later, Jim started the Talking Orange Relief Society, which was dedicated to the preservation and protection of talking oranges around the world. You, too, can help. Just jump on Facebook and join the Talking Orange Relief Society group. For every person that joins, Jim will donate three flip-flops to the needy oranges of Western Utah. You too, can save a talking orange.

Bathroom Song

2007-06-30T11:28:00.000-05:00

In my new house, I'll be sharing a bathroom with one of my roommates (when he moves in). It's one of those bathrooms that has a doorway to each bedroom. So I this morning I was using the bathroom, and trying to figure out a way that we could let each other know we're using the bathroom without locking the door (because if we use the door locking technique, eventually one of us is going to forget to unlock the door after we're done and that could lead to disaster, especially if it happens in the middle of the night). So I decided that a good solution would be to require us to sing if we're using the bathroom so that the other person could hear that it's already occupied. And then I came up with a song that has been going through my head for about an hour now:

I'm in the bathroom pooping,
I'm in the bathroom pooping,
I'm in the bathroom pooping,
Pooping away.

Just in case you were wondering, no you can't unread this.

Nate

2007-06-07T10:41:00.000-05:00

Many evenings, my roommate comes into my room and screams at me, "Pick up your underwear off the floor!" And then I scream "NO!" back at him and throw the underwear in his face. Then we hold hands and dance the macarena together while eating Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Dinner.

2007-05-27T22:00:00.000-05:00

Sand Everywhere.
Me standing in the middle of the Sand.

Why am I here?
How did I get here?

Two Eagles arrive.

One carries a shovel.
It drops it at my feet.
It departs.

The other beckons to me.
It wants me to climb on its back.
It offers to take me away.
But offers no guarantee I won't return here.
And gives no answers to the questions.

Why am I here?
How did I get here?

I pick up the shovel.
The second Eagle leaves.
I start to dig.
Looking for answers.

Why am I here?
How did I get here?

In the Desert.

When the Holy Becomes Common

2007-04-29T22:30:00.000-05:00

I love when I go to church and it's about stuff that God's already started teaching me, but the message at church just expands it and makes it incredibly real. That's happened to me the last couple of weeks. Last week I ignored the teaching and pretty much did the opposite all week. This week I think I have no choice but to take it to heart.

There were three quotes from church that just hit me hard, so I'll just take them in order:

"When the Holy becomes common..."

This one really hit home for me. I've been going to church and trying to follow God as best as I knew how to at the time for as long as I can remember. But too often I stop being in awe of God and his love for me and grace that He lavishes upon me and it becomes a common thing, as if that's the only way it could be. And that just leaves me open to drifting from God, because I start thinking of Him as cheap and that I can always run back to Him when I need Him. God is not cheap and His Holiness is amazing, and not at all common. I need to give Him praise and reverence as if He is the Creator of the Universe and King of my soul, not a forgotten relative...

"The first thing we lose is our song..."

I think I lost my song a long time ago. Shortly after I switched to the more evangelical style of worship, I started fighting with worship songs. They were never good enough for me. Whenever we sang I always thought about how the song was wrong or emphasized the wrong thing. I made the songs about me and my misgivings with them, and not about Him. So at many points during the last several years, I've stopped singing. And more recently, I've had one of the toughest months in a long while. April was just horrible in many respects. And because I was going through hardship, I lost my song. I didn't sing worship to God, but instead wanted Him to fix everything. And when He didn't fix everything right away, I turned to sin. I made it all about myself, when what I needed to do was get my eyes off of myself and affix them on Him. Sing praises to God, for He is good, even if my circumstances aren't. I just need to set everything at His feet and trust that He is got the best plan in mind for me. Definitely not easy, but definitely necessary if I am to keep my sanity and not mess things up even more by taking control myself and steering things the wrong way. May I never lose my song, a song that is powerful enough to crush the armies of Satan and join my spirit to God's Spirit.

"May you never get over your salvation..."

A lot of times I take my salvation for granted. I look at salvation as being an elementary thing in the Christian life and something I don't need to think about anymore because I know it already. Especially when I'm going through trials or have big decisions to make, I attempt to look to God to answer the questions I have, but I forget about the salvation He's given me. I take it for granted and lose the awe that I need to have. For if there is anything that is truly awesome, it is God's love and grace poured out to us in the form of Jesus on the cross. I'll never fully understand it, and never be able to repay it. Yet I take it for granted and even feel like I deserve it at times. Again, I need to take my eyes off of myself and my needs and desires, and affix them on Jesus, whose death on the cross gives me freedom from sin's power and is the most amazing act of love that has ever occurred in the history of the world. And it was for me. May I always be in awe of the salvation that was given me, no matter what my circumstances may be.

So to close, one of the greatest verses of one of the greatest worship songs ever written, that to me, combines the three quotes above into one amazing song of praise:

My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well with my soul,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Silly Butterfly

2007-04-17T09:29:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time there was a butterfly who thought she was an elephant. She had trouble with the peanuts.

I'm a Wimp

2007-02-06T19:43:00.000-05:00

So while most of the people that might be reading this are probably enjoying subzero temperatures this week, I'm currently in the midst of 50s and 60s (with lows in the 40s). Yet I spent most of yesterday under at least 2 blankets (sometimes 3), cursing myself for not bringing any long underwear down to Florida with me. I've turned into a Florida wimp! Curses! How did that happen?? I've only been here a month! Although, in my defense, we haven't turned on the heat, so the temp in the house hovered around 61 yesterday. But still. Wimp am I.

And for kicks and giggles, a poem:

Pickles are bad.
They taste awful.
Whoever invented them should be covered with butter.
Lemons are better.
They're as sweet as the sun.
I bet that a dozen Lemons could kick the crap out of a dozen Pickles.
Fo sho.

Knighthood

2007-02-03T01:01:00.000-05:00

The Peahead: I dub thee Sir Justin Cool Sabelko, Knight of Amery and all things Random.

Merry Christmas Breath

2006-12-25T23:39:00.000-05:00

So this year for Christmas, we had some family over. Which is pretty unusual. Usually we go to someone else's house for Christmas. But this year it was at our house. So everyone arrives and it's about 12:30pm so we're all sitting around waiting for dinner to be ready.

And I realize that I forgot to brush my teeth.

(And before you go and curse me, it wasn't really my fault! It was my brother's fault. He was in the shower when I was going to brush them earlier in the day, so I couldn't then and then I just forgot about it.)

So now all that I'm conscious of is how dirty my mouth feels and how much my breath must stink. (Although before I remembered that I hadn't brushed my teeth, the "dirtyness" of my mouth made no impact on my conscious thought whatsoever.) Anyway, in the end nothing really happened, and after dinner I scooted off to discretely brush my teeth quick, so it was pretty much a non-issue.

Ironically enough, though, I got a pair of PJ pants for Christmas and they smelled kinda minty when I pulled them out of the box...

You'll never guess what I did last night!

2006-09-11T11:42:00.000-05:00

I totally did the most awesome thing ever last night! You ready for this?? Okay, here it is: I clipped my fingernails!!! It was amazing. Best. Night. Ever.

My 2nd Crush

2006-09-04T13:47:00.000-05:00

When I was in the 3rd grade, I had a crush on a girl named Kelly Madsen. It wasn't a normal crush at all because I liked her for one reason and one reason alone: She was smart. The way I figured it, since she was smart, and I was smart (at least that's what everyone else told me), then we'd both be able to get really good jobs and make a lot of money and be rich! It sounded good to me anyway... Apparently she didn't really share my logic cause she tended to avoid me. Oh well. I'm pretty sure I got over it relatively quickly. I kinda miss those days...

Last Night's Dream

2006-06-30T13:14:00.000-05:00

Last night I dreamt that Internet Explorer was a button-down shirt. I put it on.

Vince McMahon needs to be shot

2006-06-02T22:09:00.000-05:00

Anyone who follows wrestling knows that the WWE has gone sharply downhill in the last few years and the only thing that could possibly revive it is...ECW. That probably doesn't make any sense to any of you, but to those that do know what it means...pretty darn ironic. And funny. But that has nothing to do with this post. That's cause Vince McMahon's horrible ideas that have somehow found their way to TV have now invaded my dreams. Cause last night I dreamt that I was in a commercial for a WWE pay-per-view. In this commercial, a bunch of wrestlers and Vince himself crash down (superhero-style) through the ceiling of a classroom at Harvard in order to "save" the students from their class. I don't think I want to know what the name of that pay-per-view would be.

And yes, I stopped watching wrestling. Over a year ago. It still haunts me.

Road Trip

2006-06-01T17:15:00.000-05:00

One day last month, I felt like driving. So I did. I just started driving. And then I realized that the road that I was currently driving on was connected to pretty much EVERY single other road in the country, plus a ton in Mexico and Canada too. So I realized I could drive pretty much anywhere. I decided to drive to Maine. So I did. And I ended up in Oklahoma. And then I saw a giant blue tiger in the middle of the road. So I stopped and faught with it. We faught for 5 hours and attracted quite a crowd of onlookers. Finally a guy came along and helped me out and together we knocked out the tiger. Apparently in Oklahoma you automatically win a cow if you knock out a tiger, so I won half a cow (had to split it with the guy that helped). I wasn't sure what to do with half a cow, so I just gave it to the other guy so that he could have two halves of a cow. And then I drove home.

Brett Favre's dad is...

2006-05-24T18:31:00.000-05:00

Aaron (my brother): Who's Brad Radke?

Mom: He's a pitcher for the Twins. Even I know that, and I don't know anything about baseball!

Aaron: I know who Brett Favre is. I know everything about Brett Favre and nothing about anyone else.

Dad: Who's Brett Farve's dad?

Aaron: Ummm... Bart....................... ...Starr.

Girls and Me Just Aren't Compatible

2006-05-20T02:26:00.000-05:00

So a little over two weeks ago I went on a date. Yup. A date. Crazy. I know. It was actually pretty random, as I think it started out as a joke but then turned into an actual date. But nonetheless, it happened, and said date took us to a Twins game. They lost. I cried. Well...no, I didn't really cry. She wanted to leave early cause they were losing. But I, being the jerk that I am, forced us to stay until the end. Actually I didn't really care that much whether we left or not, but I just thought it was entertaining to pretend to care. But in the end, they lost, which is probably a bit of foreshadowing. Well, actually the foreshadowing probably happened when she decided to be 30 minutes late to her own house where I was supposed to pick her up before the game. Actually, both situations are probably bits of foreshadowing. Nonetheless, I did have a good time. It was fun. Not too bad a date overall, I'd say. I left her house with a smile on my face, so I guess that's a good sign (at least on my end).

And then, like every other story involving a Girl and Me, there comes the part where something terrible happens. Well I guess it's not quite as terrible as I've seen in the past. Actually nothing even close to what I've had happen before, but nonetheless, for kicks and giggles, we'll call it horrific. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that at the end of the date, as I was leaving, she said she'd call me. Well, I figured since I'm the guy and the guy is supposed to be the initiator, then maybe I should call her. But I figured I'd give it a few days. So I waited a few days. And I called her. And left a message. And then called again the next day and left another message. And then waited a week. And then sent a couple text messaages. And waited some more. And now, two weeks and a day after the date, NO RESPONSE WHATSOEVER. That's just... Well... Let me describe to you in story form what I think of that...

Once upon a time, there was a cat named Flu. Flu was the healthiest cat in the world. In fact, his diet consisted only of salads and Weight Watchers shakes. Yup, pretty darn healthy. Well, one day, Flu was walking along and saw a butterfly. This butterfly also saw Flu. And for some reason, the butterfly attacked and killed Flu. It was tragic. The end.

Okay, so I guess I have no idea how that story relates to how I feel about getting no reponse from her. But pick your own descriptive phrase for how you think I feel. It's probably accurate. Especially if you said something like "curled up in the fetal position in the corner crying for weeks on end." Yeah, that works. We'll go with that.

So most guys would probably just let it go at that. But I, as I mentioned before, am a jerk. :) And I have too much free time. Plus I feel like having fun with this instead of getting all mad. (And I feel very free to have fun with it since it was only one date and little to no emotions were damaged in the process.) So I'm in Eau Claire this weekend, and myself and a good friend from college were googling people at 2am on this fine Saturday morning for some reason. After a few searches and some decent results, he suggested that I google that girl that I went to the Twins game with, aka my Nemesis (as she will now be referred to). And somehow, by blind luck, we found her blog. And she actually posted to it about 2 hours ago. So now I know that she is, in fact, alive. (This is significant because, obviously, one of the reasons that one's mind comes up with as to why she didn't respond is that she somehow died and therefore couldn't respond.) PLUS, in the entry on her blog from two hours ago she mentioned a few updates on her life, including the following: "8. I have a major crush on a cetain boy." Now, I'm positive it ain't me, cause if that was the case, she might have actually responded to some of my attempts at communication. But it's fun to mention said crush here, for the following reason: I'm going to comment to her recent posting and encourage her (in some fashion or form) to read my blog. Which means that hopefully she'll get to read this entire post! Ahh how horrible I am. :)

(And just in case you are reading this, Nemesis, truly there are no hard feelings. But hopefully you feel pretty rediculous right now, cause that's pretty much the intent.)

And to all of the other people that are reading this: NO, you do not get to know the location of her blog. That would be cruel. Not that I'm not already being cruel, but that would be overly cruel. And I'm just a sarcastic jerk, not a real one. :)

(Although if I STILL don't get any response from her after this one, then maybe I'll post the location of her blog and unleash the wrath of my faithful readers. Oh wait...I guess there aren't really any faithful readers left since I NEVER UPDATE THIS THING. Oh well.)

Okay, I think that's about it. Maybe I'll rant again soon... Doubtful, but you never know!

I like rice

2006-04-02T21:33:00.000-05:00

Wait, I think I wrote about rice before. I better not write about rice again. I might lose my edge.

I Hate MySpace

2006-02-02T02:21:00.000-05:00

I know, two posts in one week. Incredible, isn't it? And yeah, the curse word in the title is uncharacteristic, but it's a quote. And quoting curse words isn't nearly as bad as saying them. Anyway, my rant:

As a software developer, it's an absolute crime that I'm stuck on dialup internet. But yet here I am. Which means that anytime someone wants me to view their myspace page, it takes like FIVE FREAKING MINUTES to load. Not to mention that my system seems to get really slow whenever a myspace page is up on my screen. And that doesn't seem to happen with any other websites I go to. Plus I'm running a top-of-the-line Dell Laptop. My system shouldn't pause for a minute like that just because I'm loading a myspace page. Ugh. And maybe it's Firefox's problem, but I prefer to blame Myspace. So I just refuse to go there anymore. Tata MySpace.

And here's a website that I just found that my quote came from:

Easter Traditions

2006-01-31T13:10:00.000-05:00

Every Easter our family went to stay at my grandparent’s farm for the weekend. One year when I was fairly young, there was a big storm the night before Easter, and a crucial section of wooden fence on the farm blew down. So we spent a good part of the day on Easter Sunday repairing the fence. Well we enjoyed it so much, that my Uncle Steve decided that we should fix the fence every Easter. So every Saturday night before Easter, he always goes out to the fence and damages it somehow (one year he actually damaged his pickup in the process) so that we end up spending a good part of Sunday fixing the fence. Strangely enough, I really enjoyed that tradition, and I think most of the rest of the family enjoyed it too!

How to get a guy's attention

2005-11-03T21:20:00.000-05:00

I actually wrote this as a comment on someone else's blog, but I liked it so much I decided to make it an entry here...

I'd have to say that to get a guy's attention, you should not only dress up, but also comment on how you think that mac 'n' cheese is the bestest romantic dinner food ever. After that, climb a tree and yell "And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!" Then immediately kick him in the gut. After he pukes, clean it up, but save the puke so that on your 10th anniversary you can pull it out and reminisce on the day that he realized that you were the one for him. After you clean up the puke and throw it in the freezer, tell him that you want a dog named fluffy and that mighty mouse is your favorite cartoon show EVER. Then drive to Des Moines, Iowa and pick up a pizza from your favorite pizza joint. Drive back and eat the whole pizza on your way back. Give him the pizza box, and then he's sure to love you forever. It's foolproof!

MPD Horror Story

2005-09-30T00:33:00.000-05:00

So I was making calls tonight, and I called someone who gave $100 per month during my internship to set up an appointment (we had connected last month but he was busy and so he told me to call again in a month). And he owns one of the two pharmacies in town. As you may know, I had my wisdom teeth out last week, and before the surgery they asked me which pharmacy to fax my prescription to and I went with the one from my supporter. Well I guess after the surgery (when I was completely out of it), my mom changed it to the other pharmacy, since that's the one she always went to and she didn't know that they supported me. But I guess the dentist had already faxed it to the 1st pharmacy and then the dentist called them back and said that we'd had it changed, so they should cancel that order. So when I got on the phone tonight with him I got literally chewed out for about twenty minutes. I apologized and was able to tell my side of the story, but he didn’t seem to care that it wasn’t me that changed it. In the end, his argument remained the same: “I donate thousands of dollars to the community and to you, and you think that would be worth a little business.” And then he yanked his support and said he probably wouldn’t change his mind unless he “had a chat with my mom.” I talked to my parents about it tonight and told him what he said. I didn’t pressure her at all one way or the other cause I think he’s being kind of unfair. In fact, I'm not too sure that I want her to talk to him at all. Him supporting me doesn't really involve her. He should be giving because of the cause, not business. Regardless, I’m not really sure what to do about this. I didn’t do anything wrong and my mom didn’t do anything wrong. I’d love to blame the dentist, cause what they did was fairly stupid, but that won’t fix things. It’s just a really unfortunate situation. I hate losing $100 per month, and it’s really discouraging, but I have no idea how to fix things and make everything good again. Bleh on the fallen world.

Bread crumbs on a mid-summer late afternoon/early evening.

2005-09-16T23:33:00.000-05:00

Who likes ketchup?

Randy. Randy likes ketchup. Randy also likes mustard. But not relish. Relish is for sissies.

One day, though, the relish decided to attack back at Randy.

It pushed itself to the edge of the shelf in the fridge until it was right up against the door. And then Randy opened the fridge...

And the relish started to fall.

But then something happened the relish did not expect.

A hand reached out from the bottom shelf from the most unlikely of creatures. A hobbit grabbed the relish as it fell, unscrewed the top, and devoured the whole jar in one fell swoop.

Randy looked down and saw Samwise Gamgee on the bottom shelf of his fridge. "Hi Sam."

Sam looked up at Randy. "Well, hello there, Mr. Randy."

Randy shut the fridge door.

Aliens

2005-09-11T20:31:00.000-05:00

So back when I was in the first grade, I thought that the term "female" was another word for "alien." It wasn't until I was playing Ultima II on the old Commodore 64 and I was choosing my character and I had a choice between male and female for my character did my parents politely inform me that "female" does not actually mean "alien," and it was instead the gender classification for women. I think my mom had a little fun with that one and feigned some offense that I thought she was an alien, but in the end no big deal...

Recently, for no reason whatsoever, this memory came to mind and I decided to reevaluate my thoughts on the term "female." After a little bit of thinking, I decided that my parents were wrong, and I, as a first grader, was right. Females are aliens.

(No, nothing has happened recently to make me come to this decision. It's just a pretty simple conclusion given the facts available.)

Reflections on life after finishing the latest Harry Potter book

2005-08-24T00:56:00.000-05:00

Firstly, let me say that I don't believe that this entry has any Harry Potter spoilers in it. It's just that my thoughts may be affected by the emotions I felt as I read the end of the most recent book.

Secondly, let me say that I do not really hate Katie. Katie is actually a fairly cool person and I enjoyed getting to meet her in Colorado. The previous entry was posted mostly because she herself told me to post something of the sort (although I'm sure she has no recollection of that event and probably has never read the entry in question anyway).

And thirdly, it's been awhile. And of course, I choose to write an entry at 1am while I'm half-asleep. Good choice, Justin. I think this one belongs more under the category of entry that the "To be alone..." entry was in, whatever category that is. It's probably the one that's titled, "Entries I wish I hadn't actually posted to my blog but that I'm too stubborn to delete now." Nonetheless, here goes...

So I got back from Colorado a few weeks ago. And by "back," I mean "back to Wisconsin," which is by no means as good as saying, "back to Orlando." But to my great surprise, I found myself quite enjoying my time back here at my parents' house. Much more than I had enjoyed my time here back in May. I was definitely enjoying my time alone, after the bustle and commotion of the National Staff Conference in Colorado. Another reason that I think I was enjoying my time here was because my head was no longer spinning (like it had been in May) because of a girl that I knew better to get involved with in the first place. I was alone, and I enjoyed it. I was content. That is, until a week and a half ago...

As some of you I'm sure know, the basement of my parents' house was flooded because of a backflow in the city sewer. And my bedroom was in the basement. Now all of my stuff is fine and dandy, but the room is not. There are a few gaping holes in the floor of it now since it needed to be cut into in order to get the space under the floor dry. So I'm without my bedroom for months. Luckily, my parents have a guest bedroom upstairs, so I do have a real bed and some limited space. Unfortunately, most of my stuff is either piled up against a wall in my bedroom downstairs or is piled up in the garage (and that includes half of my clothes and almost all of my underwear...it's always a joy to have to go out in the garage to get a fresh pair of underwear for the day).

So the living situation has gotten much less enjoyable. I've been mourning the loss of the basement. I miss the rest of the basement just as much as I miss my room. The basement was pretty much my little apartment within my parents' house. I had my bedroom, a TV/living room, a bathroom, a fridge, and a microwave or two. What else do you need, really? And now it's all gone. It's weird how the mourning has taken place. I find myself thinking back to times I had recently spent in the basement and wonder what it would have been like if I knew at that time how quickly things would turn sour. And strangely enough, it's very similar to the mourning that I found myself in shortly after the situation with the head-spin girl turned sour back in May. I would think back to conversations I had recently had with her or times that I had been hanging out with her and wonder what it would have been like if I knew at that time how quickly things would turn sour in that situation. It makes me wonder... Did I replace her with my parents' basement? In fact, it was strange how I suddenly felt very lonely after the basement was no longer there, whereas before that time I was very content and satisfied to be alone. In fact, I felt so alone that I even initiated contact with head-spin girl, something that I didn't expect to do until I had returned to Orlando. It was a short, but encouraging conversation.

Nonetheless, I now feel more alone. But it's not a hopeless aloneness, it's definitely a hopeful aloneness. For I know that God is with me during support raising, and He'll get me through this trial. I feel very resolute in continuing to press on in support raising with all I've got, for that's what God has for me right now. And maybe the loss of the basement isn't such a bad thing after all. For I'm not sure that being content in a place that's not my home is all that good of a thing. And the closest place that I can call home on this earth is definitely not here, but in Orlando. I'd much rather be content there than here. For if I'm content here, what motivation do I have to leave?

So bring it on. I can survive without a basement, and even thrive, since I have more desire to finish support raising and get back to Orlando now than I did when I had a basement.

Alright, time to sleep.

I Hate...

2005-07-14T01:09:00.000-05:00

Katie.

(I apologize to all of you that don't know what this means, but it needed to be said. And said here. Well, not quite here, but up a few lines.)

And just for good measure, Katie will soon have two sperm whales, an anvil, and three singing horses fall on her simultaniously while she walks to class.

I love rice.

Buttered.

Buttered rice.

With chocolate whipped topping.

Smothered in hot tomatoes.

And garlic.

More garlic.

And then toss in some hippo leg for good measure.

I'm not a hitchhiker... I drive my own car.

2005-07-06T00:55:00.000-05:00

So I just saw Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. And I gotta say, tis a great movie. Aside from the strangely familiar story of a guy that idiotically likes a girl, who likes a different guy, I gotta say that that was one of my favorite moviewatching experiences ever. In fact, I think it has inspired this...

One day, MeredithAnn was walking along. Suddenly, a sperm whale fell on her.

The end.

And I'm in Colorado

2005-06-25T17:04:00.000-05:00

So when I should be doing something (i.e. homework), what do I do? Blog. And when I have nothing to do, what do I do? Nothing. Messed up? Yeah. But then again, I did attack a knife with a fork yesterday at dinner. I think Katie just about decided that I was insane. Which is probably not far off. I do enjoy a touch of insanity at times. Especially when nearly everything else in my life decides to just get all weird and drama-like. What to do at that point? Go insane! At the very least it's good for a few laughs.

So the other day I was driving around Fort Collins, CO and I pulled into a gas station. The gas station looked at me and said, "You suck!" And so I turned to the gas station and I told it, "You're darn right I suck!" And then the gas station looked like it was going to cry. I asked what was wrong and the gas station went into this half-hour long cry-session about how one time it had stepped out of its comfort zone and asked out a girl that always came to fill up her car there. Well, apparently she screamed her lungs out, drove off, and never returned. The gas station was extremely hurt by this, so he just started building walls between himself and his patrons and now it was to the point where he would just yell "You Suck!" at nearly every single person that decided to fill up at the station. But everyone always either got scared and drove off, or yelled back something about how the gas station sucked. It had never been affirmed in its statement like I had done. And when that happened, it felt horrible and just lost it. I decided that the gas station was just really messed up in the head so I stole a tank that was sitting out in the middle of the street and just drove the tank into the station and the pumps. And then I think I remember some sort of explosion that caused a loss of consciousness. I'm not quite sure if I woke up from that or not.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the anvil that fell out of the sky and just crushed this lady that was walking by.

(Who the heck let me on staff if this is the stuff that comes out of my head??)

To Be Alone

2005-05-27T13:42:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been way too long and I really should have written something before now, but I didn't. And the problem with writing something now is that I don't particularly feel like writing the way I normally do. So I decided not to. I decided to write about how I feel.

I feel alone.

So I moved back to Wisconsin, and I was dreading it before I left, but I didn't think it would be this bad. I kept saying to people, "yeah, I don't really want to go, but it'll be good." And maybe in the end it will be, but dang if it isn't a struggle to get back to good.

Anyway, I just feel lonely almost all the time. And this is kinda weird for me, because typically I love my alone time. If I get too much time with people, I usually start to crave some time to be alone. But I think there's an exception here... I can't deal with forced aloneness. I like being alone, but not when I have to be. I want to have a choice. And most of the time right now, I don't have that choice.

But I think it goes beyond that somewhat. Because even when I'm with people I feel alone. I mean, I like hanging out with my friends here in Wisconsin, but something doesn't seem right. It's like these aren't the right people. I miss Orlando and the people there, and I want to hang out with them.

But then I talk to my Orlando friends online or on the phone, and it just doesn't seem to cut it. Something still seems lacking. Like either the conversation is too short, or worse, I don't feel cared about, or I feel like I've been forgotten.

And with certain people, I know that's not really true. Others I'm not sure about. Nonetheless, in the end, I still feel alone.

I hope that this time is not without purpose. That God is teaching me something that I need to learn. Maybe it's something to do with how He shows interest in me all the time and how I fail to show interest in Him all too often. Or maybe that He is to be my comfort and I shouldn't have to feel alone because He is all I need. But then again, I don't believe I can live without others either...

And then again, maybe I just need to grieve.

To Orlando and the people there, I miss you...

Larry the Lizard

2005-04-03T21:20:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I did a load of laundry. I realized recently that I've accumulated too many clothes and I can go a lot longer than I really want to without doing my laundry. Luckily I actually still do a load when my laundry basket fills up. I'm sure that soon enough I'll start getting lazy and just wait until I run out of clean clothes and the basket overflows onto the floor and then there will be dirty underwear on the floor which TOTALLY CONTAMINATES the floor and makes it UNCLEAN. And then the floor has to undergo this ritual of going out into the desert for seven days and then sacrificing two doves on an altar and something about a goat and it really just sucks. Mostly cause the floor is gone for a week and then I'm stuck with dirt for a floor for that week. Or if it rains a lot, mud. Which is always a good time for the cat. Not so good for me. Anyway, all that to say I did a load of laundry yesterday. Now the washer and dryer is out in our garage along with all the laundry necessities (detergent, bucket, etc.). And I always use the bucket to add in some Nature Bright (brought to you by the wonderful people at Shaklee). So I picked up the bucket and poured in some Nature Bright (which is a white powdery substance) and as soon as some of it hit the bottom of the bucket, I realized there was a lizard in the bucket, which was a relatively new concept for me since lizards don't usually help me out with my laundry. I quickly decided that I didn't really need any help from the lizard after all and instead I would help the lizard move to what I decided would be a much better habitat for it. So I took the bucket outside and gave it a nice big heave without actually letting go of the bucket and the lizard went flying out into the yard. The following is that lizard's story...

On a beautiful Saturday morning, Larry the Lizard was peacefully sleeping in his new home, the Blue Bucket. However, at about 11am, Larry was suddenly awakened by a door opening and a male voice that was singing Barbie Girl quite loudly and off-key. Suddenly above him he saw what appeared to be the source of the horrible singing, a nerd. Not only was this nerd annoying because of the singing, but then he started pouring cocaine into the Blue Bucket. Larry was quite taken aback by this development, since had no intention of getting drugged and being tortured again as he had been back in his days in Nam. So Larry tried to avoid inhaling the cocaine for as long as possible, but he just couldn't hold his breath that long and he ended up inhaling some of it. Which actually turned out to be a good thing in the end, for the nerd soon realized that Larry was in the bottom of the Blue Bucket, so the nerd took the Blue Bucket outside and flung Larry far off into the yard. By this time, though, Larry had been relaxed by the drugs and hit the ground in a relaxed state, which is the best way to hit the ground to avoid injury. So Larry found himself in the grass, drugged and fairly incoherent. Not much time passed before an ant came by and realized that the lizard wasn't his usual self, so the ant decided to have some fun. He went and got some of his ant buddies and they carried Larry over to the neighbor's yard into the zone of the neighbor's dog Stephanie. The ants then quickly retreated to beyond the reach of Stephanie's chain. Soon Stephanie came by and saw the helpless lizard. Stephanie was filled with compassion for Larry and took care of him until the drugs wore off. Larry and Stephanie quickly fell in love and they got married about a month later and lived happily ever after.

Wow... That's definitely not how I usually end my stories... Hmmm... Definitely missing the glorious Death By Falling Anvil that has become tradition in my stories. I gotta say, I'm kinda disappointed and somewhat distraught... Maybe something is wrong with me... Or maybe I'm just not quite finished with the story...

And then after "ever after," which was about two weeks, a giant anvil fell out of the sky and crushed Larry while he was in the process of building an entertainment center for Stephanie. The end.

Much better.

The Mobile Vanity

2005-03-27T21:11:00.000-05:00

Lately when I'm stuck at a traffic light, I've taken to looking in my rearview mirror at the people waiting in the car behind mine. It's almost amazing how often I'll see people groom themselves while they're waiting at the light. Mostly it's hair straightening, but I've seen a few women put on makeup. I wonder what these people would do if there weren't traffic lights to stop at on their way to wherever they're going. Or what if they got lucky and hit every green light and therefore were unable to put on their makeup? Oh wait, this is Orlando...that would never happen. Amazingly, I actually don't see as many cell phone conversations as I would have thought I'd see. Maybe everyone is getting the message that cell phones and cars don't mix. Well...everyone except for Devon, that is.

Oy. Writers block. I think I hit it. I mean, look at how many entries I've had in the last two weeks... According to the title of this thing, it's supposed to be a weekly column! I've failed. I feel horrible. There's a pain in my gut so strong I think that it's time to quit this whole rant thing... No more ranting for me. Ever.

(I feel obligated to say that the last paragraph in this entry was a complete lie. Not because I actually care about you, the reader. No, it's only because I feel obligated.)

Adios Pittsburgh

2005-02-24T14:56:00.000-05:00

So my broadband internet connection decided to stop working today. And I gotta say, it’s torture without it. I didn’t realize what an addiction broadband internet is. But it really is. I mean, earlier today, I had such a headache due to the withdrawal from it. And then I started having visions of Internet Explorer windows flying around the room. So I went to the computer and hit the little E icon in the corner just so I could see a browser window so I could stop hyperventilating. And then while I did that, I swear the cable modem reached out and bit me. My watch still hurts from that one. But after that it gets really strange, cause then I went for a run. And after THAT, I wrote this:

Once upon a time, there was an IE browser named Chompy. Chompy was really busy trying to fulfill the requests of others that he had no time for himself. And as such, he was really lonely, so he decided to go play in the mud one day when no one was looking. Little did Chompy know that there were lots of worms in the mud. Pretty soon Chompy was infested with them. Chompy quickly went back to work behind his window when he realized the requests were piling up. Problem is, he didn’t wash up first, so soon the window was infested with worms too. Ironically enough, though, both Chompy and the window grew to love the worms. Their clients didn’t so much though, so when a Firefox browser named Stewie came along, they flocked to it because it was free of worm infestations. And then the worms ate Pittsburgh. The end.

I really have no idea what that story means, but I think I’ll start using this Firefox, even though it sounds kinda inhumane.

So now I’m typing this up in Word because I can’t get on the internet to actually type it in my blog. And then I have to put it on a disk and take it to work so I can post it tomorrow. Oy, the madness! I feel like I’m living in the dark ages!

Valentine's Day

2005-02-15T07:41:00.000-05:00

So I was going to throw in a huge rant about Valentine's Day, but then I realized that everyone did that. And I hate doing something that everyone else did. Not to say that if you did write something about Valentine's Day that it's bad, but if I wrote one now, I think I'd feel like I'd have to go take a shower. And that'd be quite difficult seeing as how I'm at work right now. Regardless, I feel quite good about how my Valentine's Day went. I woke up, went to work, went to orchestra, went home, read some wrestling news, and went to bed. Beautiful. Did I mention I love being single? No? Consider it mentioned.

Alright, I think I promised a story or something. And I think I'm going to actually choose a setting for this one. I'm thinking we'll go with a Monday night at TD Waterhouse arena. Not just any Monday night though. A Monday night when the WWE is in town doing a taping for Monday Night Raw.

Ya know, scratch that. I have no idea what I'd write a wrestling story about. Unless... No, that wouldn't be good. Wait a minute... What the heck am I doing? I'm trying to plan out a story before I write it! That's totally not my style. I need to just write. Yikes. That was almost a disaster...

Okay, so this one Wednesday afternoon, this guy named Home was practicing his mad soccer skillz in his parents' bedroom on the 2nd floor. Suddenly, Johnny Depp sprung out of the closet and stabbed the soccer ball with a toothpick. As the ball slowly deflated, Depp and Home locked arms and started skipping around the room while they sang a Hungarian Waltz together. Eventually they tripped and fell out the window onto a large plate full of yogurt. They were kinda hurting after that two-story fall. Actually, let's just say they died. The end.

Wow. Note to self: Don't write stories on only 3.5 hours of sleep. That was just scary.

Okay I'm done. Have a wonderful 15th of February!

Mac n Cheese boxes

2005-02-09T22:39:00.000-05:00

So I swear that boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese have gotten smaller. Cause back in college I totally would make a box and not be able to finish it all, so I'd have the rest the next day or something. But I've had mac n cheese about three times in the last two weeks and each time I've eaten the entire box in one sitting. What's the deal?? I'm not getting any fatter, so I figure they must be putting less in each box. That's gotta be it. I'm definitely not eating more. Nope.

I went to church tonight to get the ashes thing, cause I do that every year and it'd be weird to not get the ashes. I have no idea what the message was about though. Of course, that's probably cause it was in spanish. See, I wasn't able to make it to the english Mass cause of work and small group and cause I didn't even realize it was Ash Wednesday until I something on Google News about it. Anyway, something really weird happened after church. I was driving along to small group when I realized that I was thinking in spanish. I had no idea what my thoughts meant, but they were in spanish. I wonder if that's something like speaking in tongues. Probably not. But then I started wondering why my thoughts were in spanish, and I came to the conclusion that it probably was related to how after orchestra rehearsal I start thinking in classical music, which is always a good time. Ever argue in classical music? Let me tell ya, it's quite a sight...

Alright Family Guy is on, which means I'm out... One of these times I'm going to write a story here instead of ranting... Maybe... WHEN BIRDS FLY!!!!

My first step towards becoming a raving drunk...

2005-02-07T16:12:00.000-05:00

So I bought alcohol for the first time ever today. It only took me two and a half years of being legal age to accomplish that feat. And no, I did not actually drink said purchased alcohol. Baby steps, you know. My hatred of alcohol lasted for years, and it will take years for me to get past what alcohol did to me... Oh the pain and torture that it put me through... I was so ashamed of my dad...

*Cue Flashback Music*

I was seven years old. Or maybe six. Actually I have no idea how old I was. I just know that it was before the Maus IGA grocery store in downtown Amery became the Village Pizzeria. And that was many years ago, long before the Information Superhighway made blogging popular and I got sucked into the blogging fad like a particle of stray kitty litter getting sucked into the new Eureka 410AT vacuum cleaner. Regardless, my family was shopping at said IGA grocery store. My parents purchased, among other things, beer. Everything was going so well when it happened. We were exiting the store, beer and groceries in hand, when my dad dropped the case of beer. It fell to the floor and burst apart like marshmallows getting.... uhhh... er.... ummm... well, getting burst apart like a case of beer falling to the floor. There was suddenly beer and glass everywhere. I was so ashamed... And what did my dad do? He laughed! That's when I knew that alcohol had taken my father and there was no more hope for him. I hated alcohol ever since that fateful day...

*End flashback music*

Darn it all! They put an ad in the middle of my flashback! I knew there was a reason I avoided blogs until now. *Sigh* I can't go back now though. I'm in that vacuum of blogness, and there's no escape until the bag of that vacuum gets emptied by the more hip people of the future and I get thrown out along with other fads of the past such as the neopet and those really cool wrist snap things.

So there was this commercial during the Super Bowl about a guy that was rich, but not smooth and another guy that was smooth, but not rich. But apparently the beer they were selling in said commercial was both rich and smooth (just another reason to hate alcohol... it has two legs up on me when it comes to getting women). Anyway, this prompted a little discussion between myself and poor Matthew, who was forced to listen to my thoughts on this. So I figure I'll never be rich, which I'm okay with. But I don't think I'm smooth either, and I don't know if I really want to be smooth. And I'm not exactly convinced that girls really are into the "smooth" guys anyway. At least, probably not the girls that I'd be interested in. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe girls do like smooth guys. But I don't think that I really like smooth guys that much. The "smooth" thing really kinda just seems fake and an invention of guys that are trying to impress girls or something. And that's so not my style. I gotta show a girl the worst side of me first (which is probably my pro wrestling fanaticism, or I'll just call her fat or something...), and if she's still hanging around after that, then I know that she probably can handle the rest of my personality. I just don't want to try to impress someone. I'd rather just be myself. And if being myself scares her off, then it's probably better if she gets scared off right away rather than 6 months into a 7 month marriage. So no "smooth"ness for me. I think if I were going to even remotely try to be "smooth" with a girl, I would probably do something like pretend to fail at trying to be "smooth." Cause that's just more my style. I can make fun of myself and "smooth"ness all in one shot. Of course, now that I've said that I'm going to pretend to fail at trying to be "smooth," I can't actually do that, because everyone in the world will know that I'm going to do that since this is now on the Information Superhighway of blogness.

Okay I'm done. Welcome to my blog. Maybe I'll post again sometime.